so same old story.i wanna write every day then i don`t write `cause i feel like a mess inside and i think why would people read something that doesn`t make sense at all. if i projected my brain on a huge white canvas it would probably look like a picasso and a hundertwasser layered on top of eachother, with a klimt-frame…and it would start steaming and smoking and would burn eventually. at the same time i am ok. which again doesn`t seem to make sense. and if at this point you are like “oh no i can`t follow this through again…” i don`t blame you. :-)

i cried at church on sunday. i don`t remember the last time i cried. wait i do. it was in london in a pub. my sis and my mom was looking at me in a way it broke my heart. but that`s another story. so i haven`t been able to cry for a looong while now. i guess i just toughened up myself. eventhough i was craving for the flood bursting out of my chest i was fighting the urge and i didn`t let myself waste tears for anything. as if the things i would have shed some tears for would be satisfied by seeing me cry and they would have laughed at me with a victorious grin. but i wanted to win so i would not give them a chance to proove me weak. and on sunday we were singing. “Your kindness wakened me,Awakened me, from my sleep.Your love it beckons deeply, a call to come and die.By grace now I will come And take this life, take your life.”  i heard and sang the song before. but now i was staring at the wall reading the words and tears were flowing down my face. i felt so deeply ashamed of how Jesus loves me inspite of my hideous and abominable little soul. i felt His love and His care. i squirm constantly i try my best i wanna give my best i wanna love and serve and be loved and live the life He gave me and not the life i think is best for me and i deny Him and turn my back `cause i am hurt enough and then feel guilty because i still love Him. i strugle and try to figure out life and find God and find myself and all along Jesus is there watching and caring and praying to the Father and smiling and caressing and being KIND. that awakenes you. “turn your eyes upon Jesus. look full in His wounderful face. and the things of earth will grow strangely dim. in the light of his glory and grace”  -was the next song. i let you ponder upon these words for yourself. it`s Thanksgiving tomorrow. i love this holiday. i am thankful for a lot of things and i choose to give thanks in everything. i think i don`t deserve a lot of things God still chooses to bless me with them. i am grateful for this mess. `cause i know that only God can solve the riddle and only He can decipher my mind. that gaves me hope inspite of all. my dear friend told me the other day that i should think about what makes me happy. and spend time doing them and investing in them. well good question. there were times i thought i knew what makes me happy but i don`t remember anymore. i tend to think i have known a strange type of false happiness and it`s time for me to let the Lord show me what He thinks will make me happy. i am realizing it`s difficult for me to let myself be happy. i am learning now. Jesus is warming my heart. i hear the icicles crack and each day i pray i would not turn back on this road and would not fear of the end of ice-age. 

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Chorus
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that I have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin
See the light within...