i am eating my banana-peanutbutter smoothy right now, i made it myself, i’ve been craving it way too many times lately. i could actually overdose on them. and it just made me think. a year ago i wouldn’t even try peanutbutter and banana together. peanutbutter &jelly was adventurous enough already. but alas, here i am, sipping it with the greatest delight. if it had not been for a smoothy bar on heampstead heath where i happened to take a walk few weaks ago i would not be richer with another addiction, read:banana&peanut butter smoothy. so it made me think. who the hell would have thought a year ago, that i will be living in the land of queens and shakespearian characters, in the most diverse city i’ve ever seen after nyc, off of a high street where you don’t even need to purchase a particular plant to get high-you just need to walk along the street taking big deep breaths…a beautiful place indeed. well i sure thought i would be living on the land of hamburgers…i was wrong. but that’s ok. it feels like i have been here forever. which tells me i am at the right place right now. for now. and i am saying it not proclaming it to the world out there but rather reassuring myself of the fact that it is the right thing. it’s odd to think about this. i wish i could go back where i set out from. back to the land of big plains and to the city of the big yellow church. i wanna do it and it is the last thing i wanna do. i wanna be able to say that’s the place to be and i know that is the last place i should be. oh how i love the paradox facts of life. is it the call of the ‘familiar’? the ‘convinient’? the ‘no challanges’? is it the urge of feeling rooted in spite of the fact that roots grow up-wards to heaven and not the other way round, not in the earth, the soil of an earthly place. only God knows what the answer is and i start to really grasp the idea of “you don’t need an answer to everything”. i have no answers to let’s see 90% of my questions or actual facts or fenomenas of my life. i honestly am trying to just “be” and go with the flow in a positive sense of the expression. laczo keeps telling me writing is a spiritual formation and one needs it primarily for personal growth. it is encouraging to hear this. thanks laczo. even now i feel like i got closer to something that is way beyond me. if that makes sense at all. Lord knows how many hours of my day is occupied with just thinking and pondering upon what “this” is. my life has so radically changed when i left hungary. but since traveling and going to places is actually my comfort zone i haven’t really realized how it affected me. and when the realization hit home…i paniced a little i guess. everything and i mean everything changed. except of me but i am not even sure that is true. i am still me. but i feel like something has been lost that will never come back again. it’s like frodo going back to hobbiton after this massive advanture. it’s the same, the shire he belongs in, but he can’t settle down again…he’s seen too much. in the other hand, anne-with-an-e shirley needed to leave avonle to realize she belonged there :-) and being ripped of the things that defined you for so long is not a bad thing. it is scary and makes you jump but it makes place for something new to come. so just as banana&peanut butter smoothy couldn’t have entered my life in the former situation, something else is at hand that can only enter my life in this situation. thus i reckon i keep sipping my smoothy quite regularly to remind myself of the up-coming…