on a serious note…

(amint lesz egy kis idom, leforditom magyarra is)

first of all i can’t believe it is september which means that it is NOT summer any more. it feels like summer has just begun. and i am already wearing a light coat in the evenings…weird. as a matter of fact this whole fall-feeling, read colorful-leaves-cracking -under-your-shoes-and-you-just-wanna-go-home-and-sip-hot-chocolate-in-front-of-the-fireplace-feeling totally hit me the other day and i thought “wow i am actually ready for the new season”. fall always makes me miss Germany, i can smell the Neckar river and feel the wind in my face when biking to the town square in Freising. it also makes me miss the East Coast in the U.S where the changing colors of the trees are just incredibly unique and special. even more special than Germany. anyways, i don’t mean to do a national geography post here, i am just trying to describe the mood i am in. it is so funny how seasons change in nature and seasons come and go in our lives too. i am truly thankful for that. maybe because i was SO VERY ready for my season to change. my dry-ish desert-ish could ANYTHING make sense in my life-ish season to change. i know i am not the only one who has hard times. i know that people die in Africa every minute, i know that thousands of people live on $1/day, i know that people die of cancer every 5 minutes, afgahns and iraqees and all kinds of soldiers die in the war and we could go on and on. but i also know that God cares for each of us in a special way and for Him it doesn’t matter what makes you shrink and die away and shout He is there with us. i’ve spent quite some time balancing on the verge of total disappearance and life in this past year. i tried not to be too public about it for so many reasons and in a way i hope it will stay like that. but i also feel like there are things i wanna share with people. for example, i wanna share how cool it is to experience a grand spiritual come -back. how indescribable it is when Jesus lifts you out of the pit. how painful it is to be ripped off of everything you knew, you loved, everything you thought made you “you”, everything that gave you purpose and meaning. how painful it is to “wait upon the Lord” ’cause you know that He is sovereign and He sometimes chooses NOT to reveal himself right away. still, you know that He is your ONLY chance so you keep trusting. and when nothing has any meanings anymore, you just “are”. you just wanna “be” and all you can say to God is “i am ‘being’ here and that’s all i know. You see that i ‘am’, the rest is your business”. i wanna talk about this because i think too many times we fail to be honest. we are afraid or i don’t know what, but when we put on the “how are you going?”-”oh God is good”-mask, i could scream and kill… how on earth do we want to show the world who Jesus truly is, how He lifts us up, how He loves us even at our worst, how real He is, if we smile all the time, everything is just fine all the time, we always have a verse to quote to remind people how God is in control etc. what i am trying to say is that sometimes (many times) we don’t know what to say. we don’t know what to think. we don’t understand it. we can’t see the good in the disaster. we don’t know why we feel like sh*t. yes, God knows, He is in control and He can see the purpose in everything. the purpose is to mold us into the image of Jesus. but that involves some heavy stuff, such as sitting in the pit and not being able to explain anything- because that’s when you realize that you don’t belong to yourself. that you are merely a human being and you can not put yourself together. you can not build yourself up. you can not make yourself go on. you need Jesus. you need less of “you” in your life and more of Him, more of His eternal purpose for anything you do and make and store up in this life is meaningless and will fade away when you die. only the things that you did for eternety will go on after you left this earth. so, i hope you see my point. i hope you see that what i am saying is simply this: be honest with yourself and God-He honors that and NEVER leaves your honesty without a supernatural response. He loves you when you can not pray, when you can not read your Bible, when you are confused and lash out on Him…He loves you and can see your heart. and He will act. in it’s due time, in His perfect timing. His Holy Spirit is there to speak to your heart. and He knows why He keeps silent and when He wants to talk. He did it for me and i am forever grateful for that. in this past recent weeks i received two news about two deaths. one 14years old boy, the brother of my dear friend suffered from cancer and went home to the Lord. than the best friend of my mom died on the table during an 8 hour heart surgery. it made me stop. what do i live for? am i wasting my time chasing things that are good but not God’s best for ME? do i really appreciate what i have now? do i realize how much i am loved by my family and friend? do i realize how important it is to live on full throttle, focusing on the good things and forget about the unimportant little frustrations which really are not so frustrating but i am selfish and i make a big deal about silly things that “make my life so miserable”…so anyways, i hope this made sense and i do wanna challenge you, dear reader. could you stop here and now and take a moment to thank God for what He blessed you with in this life, turn to your wife and tell her you love her, text your friends and tell them you love them, write your dad who is hard to love and tell him you love him, make breakfast for your sister who is so annoying sometimes, make that decision about your life and future that seems to be so scary and un-tread upon, because you don’t know, if you or your wife or sister or friends are gonna be here tomorrow. you don’t know how many times you can hug them and smile at them and enjoy their presence. stop and think about the things you live for. and remember that Jesus is always there. He LOVES YOU ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT.

it was a beautiful day

my heart is still so full…little did i know what i signed up for when i bought the tickets for wembley stadium back in march. i mean, i always loved the band but i’ve never been a fanatic “only-U2-is-the-real-thing” person. well now, let me tell you, i think that night of august 15th was probably the most incredible basicly spiritual experience of this year. as a matter of fact, it’s a milestone in my life. the more i think about it and the more i wanna write about it the more i realize that i will never be able to fully discribe it. when i was a teenager i was in love with jim morrison (yes that’s right) but that was about it as for being a fan of a rockband and all that jazz. but when these four walked in and the lights lit up the stage…i had a mild heartattack of excitement. by the end of the first song i was in love. when the 88000people started singing “but i still haven’t found what i’m looking for” with only Edge on the guitar…i was about to plainly pass out . i’ve been smiling ever since. now the week after i decided to do a short trip to Cardiff, Wales. when i could barely find a place to stay on such short notice “because of the concert” i realized U2 is doing it’s last gig there on saturday…now the rest is history my heart is still so full.

wembley in the background

cardiff with A, the aftermath of the concert can be seen on our faces:)

OC for the rescue

it’s my turn to come with Oswald you know i feel like the fields after a long draught. the soil has cracks and gaps in it, no living thing can survive that feed off of you…and than the rain starts falling down, drop by drop, giving back the true colors of the fields…well here is the next drop on my cracked surface. i feel the water trickeling and tickeling my inner parts. fixing my eyes on the signs of the sky for when the flood comes i could stand on firm ground

THE BAFFLING CALL OF GOD

    And all things that are written by the prophets
    concerning the Son of Man shall be accomplished … And
    they understood none of these things.  Luke 18:31,34

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster. Jesus
Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death; He led every one
of them to the place where their hearts were broken. Jesus Christ’s
life was an absolute failure from every standpoint but God’s. But
what seemed failure from man’s standpoint was a tremendous triumph
from God’s, because God’s purpose is never man’s purpose.

There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of
God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God
is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the
nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the
call of God is to, because His call is to be in comradeship with
Himself for His own purposes, and the test is to believe that God
knows what He is after. The things that happen do not happen by
chance, they happen entirely in the decree of God. God is working out
His purposes.

If we are in communion with God and recognize that He is taking us
into His purposes, we shall no longer try to find out what His
purposes are. As we go on in the Christian life it gets simpler,
because we are less inclined to say – Now why did God allow this and
that? Behind the whole thing lies the compelling of God. “There’s a
divinity that shapes our ends.” A Christian is one who trusts the
wits and the wisdom of God, and not his own wits. If we have a
purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the leisureliness
which ought to characterize the children of God.

to be or not to be #2/lenni vagy nem lenni #2

nos, mivel amugy is azt mondjak, hogy nyitott kony vagyok es minden kul az arcomra es nem tudok semmit takargatni, gondoltam megfelelek a rolam kialakult kepnek, es tovabbi gondolatokkal szolgalok a legutobbi bejegyzesemmel kapcsolatosan, ahol az eletem dilemmait boncolgattam (na ez jo hosszu mondat lett).az utobbi idoben olyan jo -gondolat ebreszto es provokalo- beszelgeteseim voltak, es egyertelmuen latom, hogy Isten elkezdett megmutatni nekem dolgokat. mar pusztan maga a teny, hogy ujra latom az O vezeteset, egy nagyszeru teny, hogy mast ne mondjak. ugy erzem, hogy vege annak az idoszaknak, amikor tavol marad, legyen barmi is az oka annak, de ez egy kulon bejegyzest erdemel. amit majd meg nis teszek, mert tokjo dolog Istenrol ujabb dolgokat felfedezni. engem izgatottsaggal tolt el az biztos. naszoval, ezek a pozitiv ertelemben provokativ beszelgetesek szepen osszeadodtak, es itt a kovetkeztetesem: az elet tul rovid ahhoz, hogy ossze-vissza bohozkodjunk benne es ertelmetlen dolgokkal elpazaroljuk. tul rovid es tulsagosan is ertekes ahhoz, hogy csak uljunk,nyivakoljunk  es sajnaljuk magunat, mikozben Isten “kuldetes-szeruen” folyton korulvesz szeretetevel es minden percben meg akar minket aldani. hogy felnyissa a szemunket a teremtett vilag minden szepsegere stb stb.es ne ertsen senki felre, vannak idoszakok, mikor a nyavajgas is ok, es gyaszolunk es sajnaljuk magunkat, de annak is van egy egeszseges hatara. tehat hogy mindezt a sok bolcsesseget amire itten szert tettem az adott helyzetre alkalmazzam, vagyis foiskola vagy sem, mit hol mikor stb, micsoda meglepetes, rajottem, hogy oszintenek kell lennem, amikor a prioritasaimrol gondolkodom. ugyhogy ujra kell fogalmaznom ezeket a bizonyos dilemmakat/kerdeseket. mindazok a dolgok, amik erdekelnek, amiket szivesen tanulnek/csinalnek, nagyszeru dolgok, tokjo lenne oket megtenni,es miert is ne tennem meg oket? a lenyegi kerdes itt az, hogy probalok rajonni, merre tovabb, mert a legnagyobb almom az egy szep otthon, ferjjel es a negy gyerekemmel meg egy oriasi konyhaval, ahol fozhetek es suthetem a sajat kenyeremet es a barataim barmikor beugorhatnak egy kavera stb…DE, mivel ebben a percben nem dorombol senki az ajtomon a gyemant gyuruvel, addig is akarok/muszaj valamit kezdenem az eletemmel, amivel Istent tisztelem, barmi is legyen az, es NEM akarok csak uldogelni es sajnalni magam azert amim meg nincsen, es irritalo, frusztralt libakent letezni…szoval itt van az ujra-fogalmazott ima keresem: hogy az Ur megmutassa, mi a kovetkezo lepes, itt es most ebben az adott helyzetben….ami az 1.szamu almot illeti, az egy kulon bejegyzes, tele sok-sok erdekes megvitatando temaval…talan majd egy nap arrol is irok. ugyhogy meg mindig nincs valaszom, de asszem mar haladtunk elore egy kicsit

 so, since i’ve been told i wear my heart on my sleeves i would like to live up to my reputation and provide some further thougths on the topic of my previous post where i was going crazy because of the lot of dilemmas of my life (wow that is a long sentence). i’ve been having such good conversations, challenging and provoking conversations lately and i definitely see God has started revealing things to me. merely the fact that i can see His leading again is an awesome fact to say the least. i think the time of Him staying hidden for whatever reason is coming to an end in a sense but that alone requires an other post. wich i will do because it’s kinda cool to realise things about God. i am excited. anyways, so these challanging conversations and all added up after a while and here i am with a conclusion: life is too short to mess around and do nonsense with our lives. too short and too valuable to sit around whining and feeling so sorry for ourselves all the time when in the meanwhile God surrounds us with his love and makes it his mission to bless us every single minute. to open our eyes to see the beauty in his creation and so on and so on. and don’t get me wrong there are times when it’s ok to feel sorry for ourselves a little and mourne but there is a healthy limit to that too. anyways, so to apply all this wisdom i came up with here to my dilemmas, e.g. college or not and what and where and all…i realized -duh’ what a surprise- i should be honest when it comes to priorities. so i need to re-phrase my dilemma/question. all these lot of things that i am interested in and would love to be doing/studying are great things, fun to do and why not. the real issue here is that i am trying to see which one to choose because the number one dream is to have a nice home with a husband four kids and a giant kitchen where i can bake my own bread and cook away and have friends over anytime they feel like pop in for a coffee and so on and so on…BUT since no one is banging my door with a diamond ring as for now, i need/want/got to do something with my life and still honour God with whatever i am doing and NOT sit around feeling sorry for what i don’t have and being a frustrated irritating goose…so here it is, my re-phrased prayer request- that the Lord would show me what is the next step right now right here in this situation…and as for praying for the number one dream, now that’s a totally different post loaded with tons of interesting things to talk about…maybe one day i will write about it. so there, still don’t know the answer but i think we’ve made progress here

ladybug

i had the pleasure of watching one of the kids chanels tonight with Charlotte before we went to bed. the story was about little fairies and dwarves living in the forest, doing magic and stuff. their only animal companion was a ladybug, whos name was Gaston and he practically barked one every time his name was mentioned…wow…

ma mielott Charlotte-ot agyba tettem volna, volt szerencsem vele meset nezni az egyik gyerek csatornan. a mese kicsi tunderekrol es manokrol szolt, akik ossze-vissza varazsolgatnak. az egyetlen allat-tarsasaguk egy Gaston nevre hallgato katicabogar volt, aki, akarhanyszor megemlitettek ot, tulajdonkeppen vakkantott egyet…aha…

to be or not to be / lenni vagy nem lenni

sometimes i wish i was not interested in so many things in this life. everything would be so much easier. like it wouldn’t be a huge dilemma to choose a college or the type of education you wanna go for. but i am obviously not one of those people. thus i have been driving myself insane with brainstorming about my options as for further studies. it’s fun but it isn’t. it’s fun that i could do so many different things but it’s not fun ’cause how do you choose? i wish i could do all of it at the same time. that would mean i would be an acting and nursing student while working as a musician and interpretor working on my MA degree in english-american literature learning spanish and french in my free time, possibly travelling in the meantime, posssibly having babies as well-from a husband of course…is that really too much to ask?! seriously though, a few months ago i was only excited and absolutely psyched about ALL the possibilities that lay ahead of me, that basicaly i could do ANYTHING. i am still excited but getting a little frustrated too. it is always hard for me to choose the BEST out of a LOT OF GOOD ideas. it’s a tough life i know anyways, i know i need to make a decision myself and no one else will do it for me. but i could use some prayers por favor and i promise i let you know if some kind of a progress occures on this part of my life

neha azt kivanom, ne erdekelne ennyi minden ebben az eletben. minden annira sokkal konnyebb lenne. peldaul nem lenne akkora dilemma egyetemet vagy oktatasi format valasztani. de lathatoan nem ezek koze az emberek koze tartozom. ebbol adodoan lassan megoritem magam ahogyan probalok dulore jutni azzal kapcsolatban, hogy mit tanulhatnek meg. ez jo is, mert annyi mindent csinalhanek, de nem annyira poen, mert hogyan valasszak?  barcsak mindent egyszerre tudnek csinalni, ami erdekel. ez azt jelentene, hogy szinesznovendek es nover-novendek lennek, mikozben zeneszkent es tolmacskent dolgozom, es a mester-diplomamon dolgoznek angol-amerikai irodalombol, szabadidomben franciat es spanyolt tanulva, lehetoleg sokat utazva mindekozben, es lehetoleg gyerekeket szulve mindekozben- egy ferjtol persze… olyan nagy keres ez?! de most komolyan, par honappal ezelott meg csak izgatott voltam es neurotikusan pozitiv MINDENNEL kapcsolatban ami elottem volt, hogy tulajdonkeppen BARMIT csinalhatok. ez meg mindig megvan, de egy kicist frusztralt vagyok azert most mar. mindig nehez a LEGJOBBAT falasztani a SOK JO OTLET kozul. tudom, nehez az elet szoval tudom, hogy senki mas nem hozhatja meg helyettem ezt a dontest, mert nekem kell valasztanom. de jol jonne egy-ket ima por favor:-) es igerem tudatom, ha eletem ezen teruleten nemi nemu valtozas kovetkezik be.

…

so i am back from hungary where i spent three weeks as my vacation. i haven’t been at home for nine months so it was a rather unique experience going back after this much time. i drove through half of the country and tried to see as many people as possible, friends and family that is. so i am more tired than before i left but that’s ok  being there and seeing those faces actually meant a lot and i think i am able to face the future with even more peace inside. and i don’t wanna talk about the rest:-)

na visszajottem magyarorszagrol, ahol a harom het vakaciot toltottem. kilenc honapja nem voltam otthon ugyhogy mindenkeppen erdekes elmeny volt. a fel orszagot megjartam, probalva minel tobb embert latni, marmint csaladot es baratokat.  szoval faradtabb vagyok most mint mikor elindultam de nem baj az, hogy ott voltam es lattam azokat az arcokat sokat jelentett es asszem egy kicsit megint tobb bekesseggel tudok a jovo fele nezni. a tobbirol meg nem akarok beszelni

bella italia

na tegnap megerkeztem a napfenys italiaba. londonban volt kb 15 fok es zuhogott az eso, de en, a rettenthetetlen, csakazertis felvettem a feher nyari ruhamat es kiscipoben elindultam a repterre:) gondoltam, mire vegleg megfaznek es szetaznek, leszallok a 30C-ban, es ot perc alatt megszaradok es felmelegszek-igy is lett. persze minden busz kesett, es a repulo is kesett, aztan a vonat pisa-bol firenzebe is kesett, egyszerre haarom allt a palyaudvaron es egyik sem ment…a nep meg zugolodott, olyan olasz temperamentummal es egyre jobban.tokvicces voltD attol eltekintve, hogy akkor mar alig birtam jarni is, mert a talpamon valami beazonosithatatlan kiutesek keletkeztek reggelre, es delutanra mar nem tudtam, hogy lepjek, hogy ne fajjon…na de, ezen is tul vagyunk:) pisa- kisse getto hangulatom volt, szemet mindenhol es tarsai…a dom meg a torony az azert lenyugozo. eszemeletlen latvany ez a fehermarvany… miutan megettem a csirkes szendvicset- €3.50-ert- a fuvon, ahova ne lehetett leulni, a tabla szerint, de mindenki ott doglott,felkerekedtem, hogy akkor most irany firenze. itt kezdodtek a vonat-gondok, de aztan vegre csak megerkeztem. lenyeg a lenyeg,a firenzei domot megpillantani- na az mindig meghato. lehet, hogy en vagyok a szentimentalis, de nekem mindig meg kll allnom egy percre. sok helyen voltam mar, de ez osszehasonlithatatlan. mindenkinek ajanlom, egyzer legalabb tapasztalja meg :) ja, a ava meg csak most kovetkezett, mert aztan hazabocikliztunk anyaval. miutan en ultem a hatso ulesen de a hatizsakom a kormanyon ulo kosarban nem volt eleg kiegyenlito ero, es szegeny anya ugy tekerte a bicajt, mintha legalabbis a himalajara mennenk felfele, csereltunk…az uj felallas sem volt kevesbbe bamulatr melto, mert most en tekertem, a teblabolo emberek kozott, anyam hatul kurjongatva jatszotta a bicikli csengo szerepet…ja, es szoknyaban voltam ugyebar…hatszoval, igy ertunk haza:) igazi brit-kent megdobbenten talakoztam az elso szunyoggal a szobaban, de miutan felfedeztuk a gekkot, aki a plafonon szaladgalt, megnyugodott a lelkivilagom, mert tudni illik a gekko szerencset hoz es megeszi a szunyogokat…azert a konnektorba dughato szunyogriasztot a biztonsag kedveert benn hagytuk:P regglre a gekko sehol nem volt…nem akarom tudni, hova mehetett es oda hogyan jutott el…nos, a masodik nap egyelore kiraly, delutan varosban valo falngalas, holnap pedog tengerpart. akarmilyen hideg lesz a tenger, senki nem fog visszatartani…na pussz mindenkinek:)

costumer service/vevoszolgalat

today i told off a shoe saleswomen at the market…i consider myself a grownup now:P anyways, i took back a pair of sandals i fell in love with few weeks ago, bought them, wore them, and started tearing…i was SO bummed. i went back, lady was surprised and apologetic but let me choose and other pair eventually. we walked away, happily, i was very polite and all…very appreciative and all…i walked 5 minutes in the new ones when ops, one step, i feel something weird, left one’s string completly came apart, sandal falling off my foot…i keep walking though…two steps after that ops, same thing happens to the right one…!!!!!! i was like WHAT THE HACK??? well i guess i need to go back…again…good thing i put them on and it didn’t happen somewhere else and later…well, this women flipped out on me like crazy! she had the stinkiest attitude and totally was talking to me like i actually walked away with my new pair of sandals, hid somewhere around the corner, damaged my sandals and came back to her demanding an other pair…of course she wouldn’t refund…well too bed i said, i paid for it and you are offending me and accusing me and i am taking this new pair with me because i paid you and your shoes obviously suck…and good bye…and walked away…i feel like a grown up because i didn’t pull off the easter-european-apologetic-i-am-sorry-i-bothered-you-with-my-problem-act, but actually stood up for myself and respectfully but firmly i gave her a piece of my mind. but i still can’t believe her!

ma kisse lehordtam egy eladot a cipoboltban…tisztara felnottnek erzem magam:P naszoval, vissza kellett vigyek egy szandalt, amibe teljesen beleszerettem par hete, megvettem, hordtam, es sajna kezdett elszakadni…eleggel csalodott voltam. visszamentem, a holgy meg volt lepve, nagyon kerte a bocsanatokat, de aztan vegul csak megengedte, hogy valasszak egy masikat. boldogan tavoztunk, bagyon kedves es udvarias voltam, nagyon halas, hogy kicserelhettem, meg minden. elsetaltam az uj szandalomban, ot perc mulva hoppa, fura erzes a bal labamon, a szandal egyik oldala teljesen elengedett, es esik le a labamrol…nembaj, batran tovabbmegyek, ket lepes utan hoppa, ugyanez tortenik a jobb labamon!! MI  A FENE?!??! ugy tunik megint vissza kell mennem…meg jo, hogy felvettem, es nem kesobb tortent ez valahol ,mashol…na a noci olyan szinten kiakadt ram, hogy tatva maradt a szam.baromira buzlott, ahogyan hozza allt a dolgokhoz, teljesen ugy beszelt hozzam, mintha en elmentem volna acipovel, elbujtam a sarkon, elszakitottam, es visszamentem, egy ujabb cipot kovetelve tole…persze penzt nem ad vissza…mondtam, hat az a te bajod, en fizettem ezekert, lathatolag gaz, ahogyan a cipok ossze vannak varva, maga itt engem serteget es vadol mindenfelevel, ugyhogy en fogom ezt a papucsot, es szepen elmegyek, mert en kifizettem az arat, es jonapot…es ott hagytam…felnottnek erzem magam, mert nem adtam elo a kelet-europai-bocsanatkero-elnezest-hogy-zavartam-a-problemammal-jelenetet, hanem kialltam magamert es tiszteletteljesen de kemenyen megmondtam neki, hogy mi a dorges. es tovabbra is tatott szajjal allok a tortentek elott!

banana and peanut butter

i am eating my banana-peanutbutter smoothy right now, i made it myself, i’ve been craving it way too many times lately. i could actually overdose on them. and it just made me think. a year ago i wouldn’t even try peanutbutter and banana together. peanutbutter &jelly was adventurous enough already. but alas, here i am, sipping it with the greatest delight. if it had not been for a smoothy bar on heampstead heath where i happened to take a walk few weaks ago i would not be richer with another addiction, read:banana&peanut butter smoothy. so it made me think. who the hell would have thought a year ago, that i will be living in the land of queens and shakespearian characters, in the most diverse city i’ve ever seen after nyc, off of a high street where you don’t even need to purchase a particular plant to get high-you just need to walk along the street taking big deep breaths…a beautiful place indeed. well i sure thought i would be living on the land of hamburgers…i was wrong. but that’s ok. it feels like i have been here forever. which tells me i am at the right place right now. for now. and i am saying it not proclaming it to the world out there but rather reassuring myself of the fact that it is the right thing. it’s odd to think about this. i wish i could go back where i set out from. back to the land of big plains and to the city of the big yellow church. i wanna do it and it is the last thing i wanna do. i wanna be able to say that’s the place to be and i know that is the last place i should be. oh how i love the paradox facts of life. is it the call of the ‘familiar’? the ‘convinient’? the ‘no challanges’? is it the urge of feeling rooted in spite of the fact that roots grow up-wards to heaven and not the other way round, not in the earth, the soil of an earthly place. only God knows what the answer is and i start to really grasp the idea of “you don’t need an answer to everything”. i have no answers to let’s see 90% of my questions or actual facts or fenomenas of my life. i honestly am trying to just “be” and go with the flow in a positive sense of the expression. laczo keeps telling me writing is a spiritual formation and one needs it primarily for personal growth. it is encouraging to hear this. thanks laczo. even now i feel like i got closer to something that is way beyond me. if that makes sense at all. Lord knows how many hours of my day is occupied with just thinking and pondering upon what “this” is. my life has so radically changed when i left hungary. but since traveling and going to places is actually my comfort zone i haven’t really realized how it affected me. and when the realization hit home…i paniced a little i guess. everything and i mean everything changed. except of me but i am not even sure that is true. i am still me. but i feel like something has been lost that will never come back again. it’s like frodo going back to hobbiton after this massive advanture. it’s the same, the shire he belongs in, but he can’t settle down again…he’s seen too much. in the other hand, anne-with-an-e shirley needed to leave avonle to realize she belonged there and being ripped of the things that defined you for so long is not a bad thing. it is scary and makes you jump but it makes place for something new to come. so just as banana&peanut butter smoothy couldn’t have entered my life in the former situation, something else is at hand that can only enter my life in this situation. thus i reckon i keep sipping my smoothy quite regularly to remind myself of the up-coming…